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HerWanderingMind

She just could not keep her mind from wandering...

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My Single Leaf

Breadcrumbs, Poetry, Wanderings

Strange sounds in the African night
Wake me from a tourist’s sleep
And stir in me an urge 
Too dangerous for my modern mind
To name aloud.

In the morning, Muzi, my new Zulu friend, challenges me. 
He says, but Chrissy, what do your ancestors have to say about it? 

And, after a moment of confusion,
I answer him – in a tone I immediately regret –
I say, 
How do you expect me to know
What my ancestors have to say?

Then, in a kinder manner I continue
Look here, I say – pointing to my family tree
Look at the pale white bark
And long spindly branches.
Do you see how my single leaf – out here on the farthest limb – 
Is a lifetime away from the leaves of my ancestors?

And do you notice 
How the sun-hot African wind that now rustles my leaf
Does not even move the leaf of my furthest ancestor 
On the other side of my family tree?

And because of this 
I am now 
And have been all my life
The master of my own fate
The decider of my own life’s meaning

I am quiet now 
Having just now realized
The crux of my dilemma
And resign myself to the lonely destiny of 
Of a disconnected soul

When I look at him
My new Zulu friend, Muzi,
I see only that he is smiling.

Before I can get mad, though,
He quickly says

Chrissy Chrissy Chrissy
Do you not see?
Do you not see how your single leaf, 
stretched way out there on the furthest branch
Is connected to the larger branch by a stem?
And that stem is connected to the trunk?
That same trunk with the pale white bark
That holds the branches of your ancestors?

And do not you see how
When you follow your family tree’s trunk
Down into the Earth
You find there roots
Growing broad and deep
From generations of love and experience?

And do you not see 
How that same Earth holds the roots 
Of my family tree – and all the others?
So that, in reality, 
there is not your ancestors 
or my ancestors 
or anyone else’s ancestors

But really
Only an Earth that holds the collective roots 
Of All Our Family Trees.

picture of a coyote

I do not own my breath

Wanderings

To hear the coyotes – to feel them in that primitive part of yourself that remembers its connection to the ancients. Being out here in the desert, one is able to block out the disharmony of modern life and reconnect with the flow. The wind, which blows through you, reminds you of your hollow places. The places inside yourself where empty space exists. This space is the space of possibility. Of dreams. Of things that can be and that defy the overculture. 

To be reminded of hollow places – what a gift. To feel the movement of non-linear time move through you. 

When I am quiet and focused on just the right things – not the things the human world tells me are important to focus on – buying things; looking someway; being a certain way – the joy of existence is available to me. Like a spring. A font in the wilderness where the pure water essence of creation flows up from the deep. 

I am fascinated by all things deep and dark. Fertility has its birthplace in the underground. The womb. Messy. Bloody. Ripped from the comfort of a nurturing outer body – not our own, but still a part of us – into this life of light and logic and expectations. 

My breath is like the desert wind. It comes from a place I do not know and leaves again for yet another unknowable place. It surges and recedes. Like experience. I cannot hold the wind – just as I cannot hold my breath. Oh sure, I can suspend a breath for a moment only. But, if I hold my breath too long I will die. 

Breath and change and the wind. When I allow these things to flow through me – life as breath – wind as the earth’s breath. 

I do not own the air in my lungs. 

I do not own the land under my feet.

I do not own the cells of my body.

I do not own the thoughts in my mind. 

I do not own this moment, 

Or the next. Or the one before.

I do not control the seasons.

I cannot control the stories in my body. 

The tales of before – and now – and afterwards.

What happens, then, if I just stop dancing?

What happens if I just stop breathing?

What happens if I just stop thinking?

Where is the gap?

God lives there, in the gap

Small gaps in thinking 

Even as I write this

There are spaces between the words

Can I will myself to go into the space?

Perhaps this is the only true value of free will – to set to the intention to go on a quest for God.

In this day, I wish to take just one step closer to God.

And I do not even need to take the step, I just need to lift my foot as if I was going to take the step.

And I do not even need to lift my foot, just think about lifting my foot.

And I do not even need to think about lifting my foot, just wonder what it would be like to lift my foot.

And it is this wonder that catches God’s attention.

The wonder that catches God’s attention

Walking Meditation

Wanderings

Barefoot, walking in the desert. Focusing on each step – the sounds of the sand crunching beneath my feet, like breakfast cereal before the milk. The feel of the uneven pressure on the bottoms of my feet. The temperature of the ground. Warm – almost too warn – but not burning. Watching as my mind tries to calculate if I am in danger of burning the bottoms of my feet. Allowing the inner alarm to sound and then recede. Naturally. Watching the process, as if from a distance. 

How slow can I walk? Can I break down the function of each step into its component parts?

There goes my directing mind again. Making a game of it. Or perhaps it is a game and my mind is just playing along with what is already here. 

Watching thoughts as they come up – triggered by what, I don’t know. Don’t need to know.

———-

My mind has wandered. Return to the sensations of the body. The present moment. Tuning into the sound of the wind in my ears, the pressure against my skin as the wind ebbs and flows. The sensation of expectation between gusts. The waiting for the next movement across my body. 

Becoming aware of my emerging thoughts again. The desire to be anywhere but here. So boring is the present moment. No problems to solve. Nothing to understand. No thing to hold onto or to judge. 

There is a satisfaction in judging. A satisfaction in having an opinion. A satisfaction in being right while another is wrong. 

When I acknowledge this and choose to recognize the satisfaction as just another trick of the mind, I am opening a door onto my own freedom. 

There is a rhythm – a tune of some sorts – arising in me now. I walk to this new rhythm. From where it arises I cannot say. Something I heard? The beat of my own heart? The rhythm of some universal undercurrent? Yes. Perhaps these are all the same.

Turning my attention now to the breath. The rise and fall of my chest. The sensation of the air – pre-warmed by a desert sun – moving into my nostrils and down into my lungs. Opening. Opening Opening. 

Becoming aware that I am not the breather of my breath. If that is the case, what else am I not? I am not the beater of my heart. I am not the flower of blood through my veins. I am not the digester of my food. I am not the contractor of my muscles. I am not the thinker of my thoughts.

I am not the thinker of my thoughts.x

I am not the thinker of the thoughts.

After all, the thoughts are not mine to think.

I have gone transparent again. There is no sense of panic. No sense of injustice or outrage. Just wonder. Joy. 

The body laughs out loud. I hear the deep resonance of the body’s voice. And hearing this, the body laughs louder. 

I recognize that, if another person where to be hearing this, they would think this laughing body was crazy! This makes the body laugh even louder still.

Of course, being transparent cannot last. And that is OK. I have more work to do in this life. My life. And so I return to myself. But not without leaving some small part of myself – a bookmark of sorts – to this otherworldly place. Something to hold the door open. Just a sliver. For my eventual return. 

My feet again, crunching sand and stone and desert debris. Awareness that I am walking the bed of an ancient ocean. Continuity. Me connecting this moment to all past moments to all future moments. The ocean of eons ago washes over me, through me. My gills fill with salt water, pulling from it the life-giving oxygen my body needs to live. 

Everywhere I look there are gifts. Small surprises to find behind the cactus and the boulders. Even the shadows offer up their secrets. I cannot help but accept it all. I am the receiver. A great feeling surges through me again.

The feeling that has no word. 

Connecting with a Cloud

Wanderings

Writing Between the Worlds – a Linda Kohonov workshop. Writing with horses. The first day, connecting with a gray-white horse named Cloud. My heart’s desire is to see a new way of being – of possibilities. Afterwards – capturing the experience. Here is what I wrote. 

——–

To meet another Being in the space of the present moment. To make yourself hollow and receiving. To go looking inward for that place where who you are touches who the other Being is. To rest in love. To know that connection is there – has been there all along. To return home.

Then to become curious and to ask questions of the other Being. What if I scratch you here? What if I step into you? What if I look inside myself for the secret to who you are? 

And then returning to the illusion of outwards. A scrawny bush – devoid of leaves but resplendent in its robe of thorns. Awareness of the Vermilion Flycatcher coming in and out of the space. Pay attention, it seems to say. Pay attention. Supervised by a blossoming day moon, reminding us that what is often hidden is as real as the things that exist in plain sight.

Recognizing this time with the other Being is coming to an end. Riding the gratitude like a fresh horse. 

I walk away from Cloud changed, but the same. 

I make an offering of myself to the Eternal Joy.

Please, I ask, let me bring this joy down to earth, down to words. Grounded in the way Cloud’s hooves leave marks in the desert sand. Grounded in the way the mesquite tree sinks roots deep into the earth. Grounded in the way my body knows the rhythms of the seasons.  And the rightness of death.

Please, Joy, grant me this, as I grant you my willingness to show up newly born into new possibilities and a new way of being. 

Infinite Space

Time for a Station Break

Brain Breakers

Ever ponder the nature of infinity, aka “the continuum”? And what happens when you subtract one from infinity? Or add one? 

And for all you mathematicians out there who know this isn’t possible, what would happen if it was?

Ever try to figure out why you can’t remember the future? 

Can we actually experience the present moment? Or is our experience of it a mere memory of a moment passed?

Does DNA contain all the instructions to make an organism, or is a great tuning mechanism that receives the instructions to make the organism from some great data store? 

What would it mean if none of your thoughts were true? And where do thoughts come from anyways? Do we think the thoughts or do the thoughts think us?

Why can’t we look into the face of God?

Does a thing exist if we don’t have a word for it?

Can any two living creatures share the same reality? If not, does that mean that there are as many realities as there are living creatures? 

Can a thing be true and false at the same time and in the exact same way?

And lastly, how is it even possible that I can contemplate these questions? 

….OK, I now return you to your usual programming. 

Eastern Tiger Swallowtail

Singing Souls

Breadcrumbs

Part 1

Do you want to improve the world?
I don’t think it can be done. 
            — Tao Te Ching, Stephen Mitchell translation

I believe this line from the Tao Te Ching to be true. 

Just as I believe it to be equally true that we can improve the world by following our dreams. That is, by doing those things that make our souls happy. 

Of course, some of you soul purists will want to challenge me and say that souls are neutral witnesses and can’t be happy.  Maybe you’re right. But, from my personal experience, I know that souls can sing. They can encourage us in one direction and, by their absence of song, discourage us from another. 

Can you think of a time when something you did, or experienced, or witnessed made your insides vibrate with the rightness of it? You were alive – and you knew you were alive. What I’m talking about here is more than a thrill. More than a cheap adrenaline rush. I’m talking about a feeling so deep and innocent and sacred that for a moment you forgot all your cynicism about the world. You forgot to label this thing “right” and this other thing “wrong”. You forgot to judge reality. 

When we take actions to follow our dreams – and even if that action is to intend to follow our dreams – we enter into that mystical place of forgetting. We forget what is possible and what is not possible. We tune into the call of our soul and follow a path laid out in breadcrumbs. We take one step and then another – we walk until we cannot walk any further. Until the message comes – in the form of peace and satisfaction – that it is time to sit down and rest. 

You may think that, in this time when so much is going wrong, we don’t have time to follow our dreams or to rest. You may think the only moral option is to resist the actions of tyrants and fight for justice for their victims.  Or perhaps we are the victims. Or the tyrants. (Hint: we are both – and neither at the same time) And perhaps, after we’ve tried complaining and opinionating and voting and marching and resisting and rallying, we grow hopeless. There have been many times when I felt hopeless. Hopeless that my actions did not make a difference. Hopeless that I could not change myself, let alone change the world. 

The trouble with hopelessness is that, if you dwell in it too long, it tends to mutate and amplify. It becomes depression and passivity or righteous outrage. It becomes dangerous – to ourselves and to others. It becomes yet another problem in the world that must be solved. Another malady in need of healing. 

But what if the true source of that hopelessness was not what’s going on outside ourselves, but inside? What if that hopelessness was a symptom and not the actual disease itself? What if the pain of all that hopelessness, depression, and rage was all designed to call us back from our fascination with the world’s problems and back to the songs in our hearts?  To re-introduce us to our souls?

And then what? One morning, after years of depression and outrage, you wake up to a longing. An ache so chilling and beautiful it reminds you how to weep. A longing that compels you out of bed, away from your iPhone, and into Joseph Campbell’s dark woods. The journey to your soul has begun. 

To be continued…

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